Tyler is making so much progress with the record! I got to hear the ref. mix of Carry Me that he’s sending to Shane last night. It sounds so good. I literally had tears in my eyes while listening. I’m just so thrilled with this record. It’s cohesive. It’s expressive. It’s so us. I said to Tyler last night, “Maybe the year and a half of depression was all worth it…I mean I wrote a few great songs.” He laughed and said something like, “That’s so wrong Jenny.” I sort of think it might be true though. We’ve had kind of a rough year. Lots of changes. Lots of unknowns. We’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to be a husband and wife that works together. How do we spend time together without talking about work? How do we continue to play music for fun? It’s been hard, but it’s been good. And we did write some amazing songs. (Amazing in my opinion anyway.)

I want to take all of this in. I’m 24 years old, living in Nashville, making music for a living with my husband. It sounds like a fairytale. I want to soak it up and remember the fun little things.

We live in an attic. Most of the time I wish we lived somewhere else. But I know that we are going to look back at our time in the attic as this fun little moment. We’ll laugh about the spiders, our bed caving in, the intense humidity. We laugh about all the little things about our first tiny apartment. Our first apartment had a window a/c unit that did a great job of cooling the living room but didn’t reach the bedroom. Some of my favorite memories from our first apartment happened when we dragged out mattress out of the bedroom and camped out on the floor the living room floor. It was fun. I don’t want to miss anymore of those moments.

So very, very tired.

You see, he’s been working nonstop for the past couple weeks. Quite literally nonstop. I think he took off last Monday, the 9th. Since then he’s been waking up between 6 and 7am. Going to sleep between 1 and 2am. And working every moment in between. I feel very helpless. He’s working on our new record. He’s comping and editing and tuning and doing all of these time consuming things that are absolutely essential before the tracks go to the mixer. Things that I thought he would have help with this time around. Turns out, I was wrong. If only I knew how to do these things. Then I could help him.

I’ve been doing a lot of administrative work. I’ve booked a bunch of shows. I send a few emails a day. But mostly, I’m waiting. Waiting to hear back from people. Waiting for the record to be finished. Waiting to be busy again.

And Tyler is so busy.

He’s going to bed early tonight and is taking tomorrow off. The work is getting to him and I think he’s starting to really not enjoy any of it. He said that the work he did for the past 4 hours isn’t any good. I think he’s feeling a little desperate. He needs sleep.

Maybe I could give him some of my sleep? It doesn’t work like that, does it? Wouldn’t it be amazing if the 8-10 hours I sleep a night could count for us both? Yes, 8-10. I’ve been going to sleep when he does but sleeping in until 10 or so. I feel guilty about that. But I have to remind myself that I need that sleep. You see, I actually can’t function very well on less. My medicine makes me tired and I wind up needing naps.

Oh Lord give him rest. May he wake up tomorrow feeling so refreshed. May he have sweet, sweet time with you. May he enjoy being outside. Show me how I can help him.

Truth be told, I’ve been struggling lately. When I started this blog we had just moved to Nashville and I was lonely. Two years later, I’m still lonely and the shiny new things about living in Music City have lost their luster. I do love Nashville. I like the music. I like the energy. I like the people. But I haven’t truly given myself to the city, to the music, or to the people. So here I sit, lonely.

I’ve also come to realize that I haven’t been pursuing the Lord in the way that I should for quite some time. It’s funny how it creeps up on you. How one day you’re saying, oh I’ll do this later and then before you know it you haven’t actually prayed, I mean really prayed in months. I’m just being honest here. I mean I’ve prayed. I’ve read my Bible. I’ve gone to church. But I don’t think I’ve been honest much. Honesty is good. Honesty is humbling. I think that sometimes it takes being humbled to get back on track.

A few minutes ago I pulled out my pocket Bible that I often carry around in my purse. It hasn’t seen much use lately. It was given to me on May 16, 2004 from the Wesley United Methodist Church Youth Group. My parents were the youth leaders, so I actually picked it out. It has my old name on the cover, “Jenny Appel.” I like that it says that. I remember my dad passing out the Bibles to the graduating seniors on Sunday morning. I think there were 4 of us—Frew, Katie, Eric, and me.

Anyway, last night the book of Hosea popped into my mind. Maybe it’s because I have Mac Powell on the brain. He’s recording a part for one of the songs on our new record. I still can’t believe it. Third Day’s fan club is called the Gomers, named after Hosea’s adulterous wife. I joined when I was 16 and had my little orange Gomer fan club shirt shipped to my parent’s house in Mississippi. I thought it was kind of odd to have the club named after Gomer (and that the shirts were a horrible orange). But today, Gomer’s story is really hitting home.

I read chapters 1 & 2. Hosea is told to take Gomer as a wife and he has some kids with her. But she persists in her unfaithful ways. These verses really stuck out to me:

“She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.’ She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold–which they used for Baal.” (ch.2v.7-8)

These verses describe me so well. I feel like I’ve been chasing after things that seem so good. I’ve been cooking and baking a lot. There’s nothing wrong with either one, but I’ve noticed that on days when I feel sad I bake brownies or cookies or a cake as a way to cope. I like that I’ve accomplished something. I like that it smells so good. I like that it tastes wonderful. But when it’s all said and done, I’m not any happier.

I’ve been watching t.v. Lots of t.v. How is this possible when I don’t have cable? There’s this lovely little site called Hulu and it is loaded with any television show you could ever hope to watch. What a nice distraction. But at the end of the day I feel empty.

And lonely.

Tyler takes me out for dinner. We go for walks. We eat frozen yogurt. I order almond lattes from every coffee shop in town. I shop at consignment stores. I call my family. I call my friends. I look at pictures of Stewart.

And I am lonely.

And then I say, oh I know what it is, I don’t have Jesus. And I’m right. So I read a little something. I say a little prayer. I go meet with the girls on Friday. And I feel full. For a day or so. It’s just like Gomer says, “I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.” So I pray a shallow prayer. I read a couple verses. Maybe I talk to someone about how I’m feeling. But I’m not serious. I’m only going back to Jesus because what I’m doing isn’t working. It’s just an option. There’s no heart change. And that’s what I need. A real heart change.

So I’m asking the Lord to change me. Really change me. And if you’re reading this blog, would you pray for me? And if you’re a good friend of mine, would you call me and ask me how I am? And challenge me in this.

I wrote this a long time ago. It’s a terrible song. But the words are coming back to me:

I’m tired of being lukewarm.
I’m sick of mediocrity
Somewhere deep inside of me, I hear your call
How long will I turn away
Not listening to your voice
If only I could face today
and heed your call

It should be enough to know you’ve sent your Son
I close my eyes in agony, remembering what you’ve done for me
It’s more than enough

I lift my hands to you
Just as he lifted hands to you
In sacrifice the nails pierced through
His hands that glorified You

I lift my heart to you
Knowing his heart broke in two
Blood came flowing that it might renew
Our hearts to glorify You

It didn’t make for a great song. It wasn’t even a good song. It’s funny how something I wrote years ago is really moving me today though. You just never know.

I am a Gomer.

The Lord has redeemed me.

The high here tomorrow is 60 degrees!  That’s Nashville for you.  It was 22 yesterday and dropped down to 12 over night and now tomorrow it’s going to be spring.  I can’t quite figure out if I like this sort of weather or not.  On one hand it’s nice to have snippets of beautiful weather here and there, but on the other it becomes confusing.  I start wanting more of the nice weather and complaining about the cold—and then I remember that it’s February and I’m not allowed to complain about cold weather because it is, after all, technically winter. 

Tyler took me to get a “warm & fuzzy” at Bongo Java East yesterday.  I think that’s the best name for an espresso drink ever.  Mmmmm.

1. Foy Vance’s “Indiscriminate Act of Kindness” made me cry.  Mind you, this was not my first time listening to the song.  It just tore at my heart and made me a feel slightly sick to my stomach this morning as I listened—in a good way. I don’t know how to describe a sick feeling that’s good other than to say that the song really made me think about my own filth.  By that I mean my innate sinfulness….the filthy rags that I offer to God over and over again, that somehow he accepts and washes and says, my grace can cover this mess.  I don’t meditate on God’s true forgiveness enough.  

2. Though not nearly as important as #1, I figured it was worth mentioning that I may have jumped on the Twilight bandwagon this afternoon.  My manager was finishing up the first book in the series and asked me if I wanted to borrow her copy.  Seeing as I haven’t been reading much lately, I figured I’d try it out.  30 pages in and I’m already sensing that this book really is pretty intense and may have me wanting to spend every spare minute I have between it’s pages.  We shall see.

3. The thermostat in our apartment broke.  That means that for most of the evening our apartment sat right around 50 degrees.  Thankfully a maintenance guy came out and got it working for tonight and will replace it tomorrow.  Yay for heat!

I worked on Tuesday and didn’t get to watch the inauguration live, but Tyler and I did sit down in the evening to watch reruns on cnn.com.  First, I think it’s amazing that I can literally watch live streaming television from my computer–that blows my mind.  Secondly, I hate to admit it, but I am one of those sappy romantics who was brought to tears during the inauguration ceremony.  I thought the president’s speech was amazing–portions are monument worthy, especially the closing lines.  I was blown away by the people packed on the mall of all ages and races.  And I think most of all, I was truly touched by Aretha Franklin’s rendition of My Country ‘Tis of Thee.  I know that sounds silly, but I kept thinking that she probably never expected for their to be an African American president elected in her lifetime–and she got to sing at his inauguration ceremony.  Pretty incredible.  It was a historical moment.  A beautiful moment.

My friend Laura is in town today so we’re going to hang out all morning before I have to go to work.  I’m excited to have some girl time–it feels like forever since I’ve had that.

In other news–the tour is slowly coming together.  I’m getting pumped!

So last night we opened for Mac Powell and Tai Anderson.  They were doing an acoustic night at a high school in Wilmington.  There were about 800 people in attendance–making it the biggest show we’ve ever played.  I admit, I was nervous to meet Mac.  We hung out for a while back stage and I was relieved to find that he and Tai were completely down to earth–what’s more, they actually treated Tyler and I like we were legitimate musicians.  They encouraged us.   During our set I looked over and saw Mac watching from the side.  I  couldn’t believe it.  At the end of the show Mac asked if he could trade his CD for ours and told me that he was really looking forward to listening to ours.  I thought to myself, why on earth would Mac Powell want to listen to my music?  But he seemed genuine.  He even gave us his phone number and wanted to make sure he had our contact info.  I was completely in shock.

The best part of the night though happened on stage.  When I told Mac that I was a big fan he asked if I knew God of Wonders.  I said of course, and he asked if I would be okay with him calling us up on stage to sing it with him.  Of course, I was more than okay with that idea!  So towards the end of their set, they called us up to sing with them.  I sang the girl harmonies and Tyler sang the second verse and it was just completely surreal and an incredible experience.  They also had Terry Foester come up and pray for us before we sang the song.  I felt so honored and blessed. Mac and Tai were so genuine, and they didn’t have to have us sing with them or have us prayed for–but they did.  I actually had a hard time falling asleep last night because I still couldn’t believe the whole thing happened.  It was insane and awesome–and something I’ll never forget.

Tomorrow we go home to Nashville.  It will be nice to get back to normal–but I have to admit, after last night I really just want to play music and tour and not go back to my job.  It’s a season.  God is so good.

MY SISTER IS MARRIED!  On December 19th Karen and Kevin said “I do.”  Or more precisely “I will.”  They had a lovely little ceremony with just their immediate family.  I’m very happy for the new Mr. and Mrs. Kerno–congrats guys!

We roadtripped home with my parents, brother, and Stewart (my cat) last Saturday and made the drive from Bowie to Nashville in about 11 hours (that uhaul truck sure did slow us down the first time). Tyler and I have both been sick since then, but are finally, really feeling 100% today.  I was actually sick enough to stay home from work on Tuesday and Wednesday, which was kind of nice since I was only supposed to have Christmas off this week and Tyler had to work that day.  We had an unconventional early Christmas here on the 23rd. We got sandwiches from our favorite deli and opened gifts.  On Christmas Eve we went to church and then watched Forest Gump.  What an experience.  Tyler and I both cried hysterically (even though we’ve both seen the movie tons of times).  I think my favorite moment was when we watched the scene were Jenny throws the rocks at her dad’s old house (arguably the most heart wrenching moment of the movie).  Tyler was sobbing like I’ve never heard him before, I had tears streaming down my face, and we just sat there, holding each other.  At the end of the scene Forest says, “I guess sometimes there just aren’t enough rocks.”  So sad.  And so true.

Tyler worked Christmas day, which made the day kind of odd as a whole.  But it actually helped me remember that Christmas isn’t really about presents and traditions—it’s about celebrating the birth of our Savior.  I know that I lose sight of that a lot.

My parents are coming into town along with my brother and his wife tomorrow and then the Kernos will be here on Monday!  We’re having a little Appel family reunion.  I’m looking forward to it.

-Jenny

My sister just got here! Yay!

-Jenny